Loss and Love

I want to start out by saying I know I’ve been gone awhile. Life takes us down a rather winding road. But I think I’ll always wind up here. It’s much easier for me to spill my guts here rather than verbally for some reason.

It seems Fall evokes something from my soul that I cannot access on the daily basis. Maybe it’s the workload, maybe it’s the seasonal depression. Maybe it’s the season of transition that boldens me to write my revelations down. The hope that I also will transform into something new. I fear I’m not smart enough to confirm anything for certain. And maybes it’s a fool’s courage that enables me to post online. Regardless, I guess I’ll post.

This fall has been tumultuous for my family. We always land on our feet, and make the best of every situation. Sometimes it makes me eternally grateful and sometimes it makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. Other times I’m oddly proud to be apart of such a fucked up, yet resilient family. We may have to wade through months of hardship, grief, and pain; nonetheless we carry on.

There is a certain expectation coming from a family like this. I can’t speak for anyone else, but sometimes it is a crushing weight. And after writing it down and rereading, I suppose everyone’s family is like this in one way or another. There’s no time or place in this current world for the crumbling of oneself. No matter the circumstances. And I personally think that’s a shame. But I am lucky or blessed, I’m not sure. Because that’s another part of my family. The forgiveness. Not a soul among us has escaped the hell of a sorrowful, heart-wrenching thing. And that allows room in our hearts for grace. Something the world lacks.

One thing we don’t lack, and as far as I can see, the only bonus to our unfortunate luck, is our sense of community. We gather from near and far, and somehow manage to reforge bonds and strengthen relations. I sat today in a kitchen full of food, camaraderie, and an unwavering love. Some of us hadn’t seen each other for years, yet we picked up and continued like it was just yesterday.

When I got home I was moved to tears. Maybe love really is an immeasurable force, maybe I’m just emotionally unstable. Either way, I proceeded to get slightly drunk and tell people I love them. As is the way, in a minorly dysfunctional family. Doesn’t make the love less real. Possibly makes me more honest. Regardless, now is the time to cherish those in your life.

In honor of Ian Arthur, someone who showed me it’s never too late, and it’s never too much.

A.V